穿过小蓝莓的森林

小蓝莓的森林里有什么呢?有无数的小蓝莓,像是树上长满了小小的圆溜溜的蓝宝石。叶子是暗绿色的,闪着油光。

我不知道真正的蓝莓树是什么样的,这只是我的想象。刚刚想一秒钟脱离现实世界,在脑袋里想象出的场景。

突然想起之前读到的作家传记,或是小时候读的故事里的小孩儿通常在被打挨饿等等艰难疾苦状态下,一闭眼逃进自己幻想的世界。然后猛然意识到自己原来也在这么做。现在也在这么做。

一直在一直在循环 call me by your name的原声,尤其是 The Only Thing. 不知道,他们的声音是迷幻剂,可以助我一秒另一个世界。

昨天在学校折腾到凌晨三点。对着自己的论文发愁。不是写不出东西,是对自己的argument不确定。不知道 对 还是 错。

今天早上挣扎着起来洗澡套起衣服飘着进了学校,飘着摸到了老师办公室,飘着开了门。劈头一句话: ‘I changed my topic again during the winter break. I intended to write the Flatiron Building but when I got there, it just did not appeal to me. So I change my topic to the Whitney.’

He smiled and replied: ‘oh, changed again?’

‘Yes…haha. So I need to change my arguments as well. I really feel uncertain if I am doing the right thing. Can you have a listening and tell me if they make sense?’

‘Sure.’

It turned out that he quite liked my idea and they all make sense. Yay.

但是刚刚我又在想,为什么我总对自己的观点是不是对的,好的,合理的没有足够的信心呢? 我想了一下,可能是因为我对自己的认识就是我是一个缺乏文章逻辑的人,或者in general 一个缺乏逻辑和理性的人。 尽管我一直在努力让自己make sense一点,但是和别人相处时候通常会觉得,诶,为什么自己总是看不到那个big picture?

举个例子,昨天课上辩论伦敦收拥堵费是不是合理? everyone is articulating their argument from a socio-economic perspective, taken the impact to the whole society into account. Only me, when I raised my hand, the word that jumped out of my mouth was: ‘Imagine Professor A has to pay more charge than Prof B only because he has 9am lecture where as Prof B has 1pm lecture thus he does not have to drive into the central charge zone that early, however they are earning same salaries. That’s not fair.’

…………………

And I came up another example: ‘imagine mom A has to send all of her three kids to three different nurseries or elementary school whereas mom B only has one kid and has the same work time as mom B. With the current policy mom A has to pay more than mom B although she’s already got more financial burden to raise the three kids. That’s not fair either.’

…………………..

有趣的是,最后的全班讨论上真的有人说因为我的argument他决定改变投票结果。但是我还是觉得自己的attention 太扯了。当时我在说的时候,我看到对面的经济学家露出了不屑一顾的微笑。仿佛在说:‘捡了芝麻漏了西瓜。’

另外,今年有点想学会踢足球。

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